Carrie Underwood - Mama's Song

For my mom.

This is not what I wanted

For the first time in years I was truly happy, I was starting to stand up for myself take what I wanted, and feel like me instead of an extension to someone else. I found the man of my dreams, the one I'm going to spend my life with. He treats me like a princess, takes care of me, worries about me and loves and adores me.  He is everything I ever asked for. But in order to to keep him I have to lose my best friend.  I know through life friends come and go you lose more than you keep but I never thought I would lose this one.  I was looking forward to having her there helping me plan the perfect wedding.  Having her there when I start my family, being the favorite aunt.

But because life changes and moves forward, if both are not willing to move forward and push to keep the relationship if looks as if we are both robbed of the memories we dreamed of having together. Life is sad and hard but I always expected to have her there for her to make my life better and me to make hers better.  But are we both willing to fight for the relationship as ours live change and dreams become fulfilled?

This is not what I wanted.

Every Chapter Must End....

You broke my heart. I have racked my brain and tried everything I could think to make you happy without ruining mine, but after so many heartbreaks and so many nights spent alone and sad, I feel I deserve some happiness. I found what makes me happy, he treats me well, respects me, loves me and so much more.

For the last year and more I have been your doll, you have dressed me, opened my eyes to a world I really don't want to be apart of, changed me from who I am to who you want me to be, saved me from myself, made my decisions for me, let me cry on your shoulder, cried on my shoulder, screwed me over (although I was too nice to tell you what you really did and continue to do), and so much more.

When was the last time we did what I wanted to do? I mean really wanted to do, not go to a bar, not go shopping, not sit and watch T.V. at your place, not play dress up, but what I really wanted to do.  Like going on a hike, going out of town for a night, going on a bike ride or spending all day outside by a pool. I know we are very different people, we have different likes and different wants, but why couldn't they be combined? Why did I have to lose myself to make you happy? Why whenever I finally won, it was only because it involved a party and drinking? And did I have to spend days hearing about how horrible things were when I finally had a good time? 

There were times when you were there for me and helped me, and for those times I will always be grateful that I had you there. But now that I have found someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with, someone who means the world to me our life together has to fall apart? Two weeks ago you said that you have never seen me this happy, that I deserve this and now you are walking away because you can't handle it.  I was there during your marriage being the third wheel, I was there during the new guy being the third wheel, I was there every time you went to bar and ignored me to find a new guy.  When you had a guy that stayed around longer than a day our time went from girls time to you, him and then me being dragged along playing the third wheel yet again. I was always there, always in the background, always looking out for you and trying to save you from yourself.

When I found someone we both tried our hardest to keep you happy, he drove you around town running your errands with you expecting it and never saying thank you, but every time I wanted to spend time with him I got shit from you.  Every time he said something he got shit and was made to feel like an idiot. The first time you met him you wanted me to use his connections and his like for me to get you what you wanted which he did for you. You never thanked him, but that day when we talked about something that matters to him your response was "I don't care." to his face you said that after what he did for you, then when we wanted to spend time together because we hadn't seen each other in over two days you got mad and walked away. Tell me how this is right? Why can you expect me to always be there in the background never complaining always the third wheel but when I add an addition to our group and we both make a huge effort to do what you want and never make you the third wheel it is not ok?

I'm sorry that I am tired of it, I'm sorry I can't listen to your escapades with a new guy every night then you not understanding why they want to keep talking to you. I'm sorry that our chapter is ending, I will always love you and will always think of our time together with fond memories, I wish we could still be friends. I am not sorry that you have moved from my number one priority to my number two.  Both priorities are important me, both have my love forever.  I hope you have only the best things in your life, always know that I will be here for you like always waiting in the background.

New Month

They said it would be hard, just not this hard. They didn't tell me that some days it would take all my will power to just get out of bed, that the thought of going outside would send me into a panic attack even if it is to see my family. The bigger the crowd the bigger the panic attack. This overwhelming sense of doom this sadness is always hanging over my head no matter what I do or say. I was told that it would get better, that the pills would kick in I just need to hang on a couple more weeks.

There are things I want to do, I want to go to school, I would love to move into a nice little apartment, to be able to take care of myself physically and most importantly emotionally and mentally. I want to do this I want to feel a drive to do these things, but it isn't there and I don't know how to find it.

But today is a new month, a new day, a new life. I will get out of bed, take a shower and get that one errand done. And tomorrow I will do two. Like Tom Hanks says in Sleepless in Seattle  "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out..." 

The only down fall is that tomorrow I graduate from being a woman in her mid-twenties to her late-twenties. Ugh! :)

The Looney Bin

Disclaimer: I call it The Looney Bin because it makes it easier for me.


The beginning of this month I snapped.  I have no other way to explain what happened to me, the stress, hopelessness, anguish, pain, frustration, and emptiness all became too much to handle and I started to think that everyone would be much better off without me. This thinking landed me in the Ogden Regional Hospital's ER. And then the next morning (Feb. 8) I was taken to the Psych Ward at Lakeview Hospital. My first day there I was asked to explain what my depression felt like in group therapy in front of about 8 people I couldn't remember what their names were "I am in the deepest darkest hole trying to find my way out only there is no light, ladder or rope only dirt and I keep sliding back to the bottom." I was shocked to look around and see most of them nodding their heads completely understanding. This was totally foreign to me.


I spent the first day sleeping on and off and talking to a psychologist, MD, social worker, nurse, and Recreational Therapist then decided I wasn't going to get sleep so I joined the education groups and the process group.

Now, I know what most people think when they hear that you spent time in a Psych Ward that you are crazy, that if you were stronger you could "get over it", or that no one really needs medicine to help with depression. Well just to prove a point I had to spend 12 days proving you all wrong! :)


I was diagnosed with major depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies.  Each day I spent hours learning how to change my way of thinking, talking about my feelings, my past, my future, my present, listening to others talk about theirs and feeling their understanding and understanding them, talking to a psychologist, trying to get use to a hoard of new pills that made me pretty looney the first couple of days, talking to a social worker (who thanks to his patience and prying was able to help me start to open up and let the real me finally start to show), watching tv, having girl talk, discussing individual problems outside of groups, laughing, playing cards, some drawing/guessing game on the white board (hilarious) and COLORING. (I don't think I have ever colored so much in my entire life, by the last couple of days it was serious business and us girls consulted each other and took considerable time deciding how to color the pictures, the boys rolled their eyes.)


Most people only stay about a week so while I was there I met a considerable amount of people I had two roommates one who was as annoying as heck and very loud and one who I grew to love and had a very strong connection with (and 20 years my senior). I didn't know these people most I will never see again but while there they were my family, we all poured our heart and souls out to each other it was our "safe zone" no matter what we said there was no judgement passed only love and understanding.  For me this was a first I had a very hard time opening up at first I was quite during group, laughed when expected and joined in when it was light and airy.  As each day went by I opened up more and more to my assigned social worker which in turn helped me open up in process group, which was the group where we all sat around and shared our feelings, day nine was my "break-through" day. My doctor's response was "it is about time, let's talk about when you can go home."


Day 9 was last Thursday. We had music therapy usually my favorite, everyone was tired so we decided to do a meditation one. We all got comfortable and the therapist started playing the guitar and talking us through a safe haven. I closed my eyes and all I wanted to do was cry, I couldn't see the safe haven she was explaining, what I saw scared me. Once the therapist was done she sat her guitar down came over and sat next to me and processed the therapy with me. I actually cried for the first time since being there. She actually acted like she really cared like she really wanted to know what I saw and felt. Later in process group after a little coaxing I opened up and told them all what I felt and what I saw when I closed my eyes in music therapy and then went into greater detail about my feelings. I don't know if it is bad or good that every single person in the group was either tearing up or crying because of what I was saying including the Psych Therapist ("how unprofessional of me" she said :)). But then they all went around the table and each one told me something good about myself, I can't remember what each one said, some of them I met that day, but I could feel from each one of them how genuine they were and honest they were being. For the first time in a long time I actually felt hope again, if there is nothing else that I can take from the psych ward the hope I got that day is worth the stay.


I learned so much from my stay there, I gained so much love and compassion from people I will never see again, but with who I have so much in common with.  This is only the beginning I have a very long dark road ahead of me and these last two days have been harder than I ever imagined. I still feel at the bottom of the hole, but this time I have a pin prick of light, I have doctor appointments set up, I'm on medicine to help with my mental illness, there are support groups close by. And one day, who knows when, this smile will no longer be fake but finally real.

How to say NO to sex

(Article that I found entertaining...)




Saying no when you are already in an intimate relationship

There's something about sex that makes it a very sensitive issue. Let's face it, for some reason or other, there are times, very occasional, when we are not in the mood for some death defying act of intimacy. It doesn't matter how handsome or beautiful our partner, or how turned on they might be - there are just those moments when we do not feel the same way. Albeit from a long hard day at work, or because we have other things on our mind, the fact remains, sometimes we are just not up for it. How to say no at those times is actually more difficult than it seems, because sex is just so personal and people tend to take rejection so personally. I can remember once, when my husband was very keen and saying no was probably not an option at that time, I started to sing "Not in the mood, da da da dada, not in the mood, da da da dada!" Luckily, he saw the funny side and started to laugh, his pointed keeness disappeared, and all ended well. That time.
However, it might not always end well. There's something about getting an erection that seems to get a man's testosterone pumping, and they are not always ameniable to "no" at such a time. Some get angry, some get the sulks, so most women give in and give them what they want, even if they are so not in the mood that they are drier than the Sahara Desert in the middle of a heat wave in summer down in their nether regions. The man doesn't worry, he just wants to get his rocks off. Don't let him tell you it's all about love. Because it's not. Sex is an animal thing, it's nothing to do with love. Love is bringing you breakfast in bed and supporting you when you're stressed. Sex is all about getting your end away. It's just a game of 'hide the salami' and you can say "no." But you need to try and say "no" in a way that'll make him smile. (By the way, I'm not really intending to be sexually discriminatory here. It's just that a man doesn't have to verbally say "no." All he has to do is keep his little dried floral arrangement hanging as one flaccid soft on, and the woman will soon get the message that he's not in the mood. Yeah, who said life was fair.)


So, instead of the overused, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache," try one of the following:
1.Fart loudly as they cuddle up to you.
2.Jump out of bed, race to the bathroom and pretend to get sick.
3.Start gagging when they try and kiss you.
4.Pretend to go down to give a blow job, and then start coughing and spluttering all over their privates.
5.Ask if they have some sandpaper as you have a vaginal itch that simple scratching cannot alleviate.
6.Pretend that they have such bad body odour that you're almost passing out from the smell.
7.Start snoring loudly the minute your head hits the pillow.
8.Pick up a magazine and start flipping through the pages and feign disinterest in any attempt they might try to get intimate.
9.Accidentally pour a glass of cold water on their rod of iron.
10.Pour some water on the bed and say, "Oops, I just wet the bed."
11.Fake an orgasm before they even get started.
12.Ask, "Is it in yet?"
13.Start nagging about something they haven't done that they were supposed to have done.
14.Stare up at the ceiling and whistle tunelessly.
15.If all else fails, lie back and think of England.


Saying NO when you're on a date

Of course, this all depends on whether you'd like to see the person again or not, as to how you should deter amorous advances of the intimate kind. If you really do like the person, but it's more that you're not ready for sex or want to hold out until you get married, or prefer to know the person longer than five minutes before you get down and dirty, then sometimes honesty is the best policy. Explain your reasons for not wanting to play 'hide the salami' on the first date. You usually have a 50% chance of seeing the guy again. Unfortunately, there are so many others who put out, and if all the guy is looking for is a good time, they'll keep looking until they get it. Maybe you don't want to hurt their feelings and say "no", or maybe you said "no" and they thought you were just being funny and really meant "yes." What can you do to avoid committing the dastardly deed? So instead of the overused, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me," you can try the following:


1.When they drop their boxers, point and laugh hysterically.
2.When they reveal their little member, ask, "Is that all there is?"
3.Say, "Omigod, I have throw-up in my mouth!"
4."I'm just waiting for the results of my AIDS check. Can't believe my ex just found out he has AIDS."
5."Do you also have Herpes?"
6. "I always wanted to have a baby!"
7."I'm mentally a fifteen year old so if you have sex with me it'll be a felony."
8."I'm not drunk enough to find you a turn on."
9."Sorry, not that desperate."
10."I've always preferred older experienced men, like your father."
11."Is that your cologne I'm allergic to, or is it just you that's making me sneeze?"
12."You'll never earn enough money to pay for what I've got here."
13."Is Herpes catchy?"
14."Will sex cure a chronic vaginal itch?"
15."Sorry, no time for fun tonight, I have to bleach my pubic hair."
16."Can my mother watch to see if I'm doing it right?"
17."My Dad is so protective. He smashed up my ex-boyfriend's car."
18.Give him a giant condom and laugh hysterically when it's too big for his little member.
19.And if all else fails, "I am having such a heavy period this month, sex with me will be like a bloodbath in the worst horror movie ever."

Explore, Dream, Discover

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
Mark Twain

I love this quote. It makes me want to let my hair down and feel the wind blow through it. I start to think of all the things I want to do like go to Europe, Asia, go on a cruise around the world, visit each of the 50 states and have a great Vegas weekend ;). And then there are the things I would love to do that doesn't involve traveling like getting married, being able to finally fully support myself, getting a new wardrobe, learn to play the guitar, write a book and so much more. 

And then I take a step back and look at my life, I have accomplished a lot in my (almost) 27 years. I have made the best decisions that I could for myself and yes some of them were big mistakes that made me struggle and learn to never make those choices again. And then I have had things happen to me that have been completely out of my control making me yet again struggle and learn. And then I have had some great times, I have loved and lost, made many friends and had life changing experiences that I would never take back both bad and good. Sure I have some regrets, I'm sure everyone does.

I want to be able to look back in 20 years and say that I honestly don't have any major disappointments or regrets. I want to say that I 'Explored, Dreamed, Discovered' that I accomplished what I wanted to and that I saw what I wanted to see.  That even though I've fallen each time I was able to bring myself upright and enjoy life at the same time.

So now what am I doing here when I have so much more that needs to be done? It is time to sail away from the safe harbor.