Disclaimer: I call it The Looney Bin because it makes it easier for me.
The beginning of this month I snapped. I have no other way to explain what happened to me, the stress, hopelessness, anguish, pain, frustration, and emptiness all became too much to handle and I started to think that everyone would be much better off without me. This thinking landed me in the Ogden Regional Hospital's ER. And then the next morning (Feb. 8) I was taken to the Psych Ward at Lakeview Hospital. My first day there I was asked to explain what my depression felt like in group therapy in front of about 8 people I couldn't remember what their names were "I am in the deepest darkest hole trying to find my way out only there is no light, ladder or rope only dirt and I keep sliding back to the bottom." I was shocked to look around and see most of them nodding their heads completely understanding. This was totally foreign to me.
I spent the first day sleeping on and off and talking to a psychologist, MD, social worker, nurse, and Recreational Therapist then decided I wasn't going to get sleep so I joined the education groups and the process group.
Now, I know what most people think when they hear that you spent time in a Psych Ward that you are crazy, that if you were stronger you could "get over it", or that no one really needs medicine to help with depression. Well just to prove a point I had to spend 12 days proving you all wrong! :)
I was diagnosed with major depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies. Each day I spent hours learning how to change my way of thinking, talking about my feelings, my past, my future, my present, listening to others talk about theirs and feeling their understanding and understanding them, talking to a psychologist, trying to get use to a hoard of new pills that made me pretty looney the first couple of days, talking to a social worker (who thanks to his patience and prying was able to help me start to open up and let the real me finally start to show), watching tv, having girl talk, discussing individual problems outside of groups, laughing, playing cards, some drawing/guessing game on the white board (hilarious) and COLORING. (I don't think I have ever colored so much in my entire life, by the last couple of days it was serious business and us girls consulted each other and took considerable time deciding how to color the pictures, the boys rolled their eyes.)
Most people only stay about a week so while I was there I met a considerable amount of people I had two roommates one who was as annoying as heck and very loud and one who I grew to love and had a very strong connection with (and 20 years my senior). I didn't know these people most I will never see again but while there they were my family, we all poured our heart and souls out to each other it was our "safe zone" no matter what we said there was no judgement passed only love and understanding. For me this was a first I had a very hard time opening up at first I was quite during group, laughed when expected and joined in when it was light and airy. As each day went by I opened up more and more to my assigned social worker which in turn helped me open up in process group, which was the group where we all sat around and shared our feelings, day nine was my "break-through" day. My doctor's response was "it is about time, let's talk about when you can go home."
Day 9 was last Thursday. We had music therapy usually my favorite, everyone was tired so we decided to do a meditation one. We all got comfortable and the therapist started playing the guitar and talking us through a safe haven. I closed my eyes and all I wanted to do was cry, I couldn't see the safe haven she was explaining, what I saw scared me. Once the therapist was done she sat her guitar down came over and sat next to me and processed the therapy with me. I actually cried for the first time since being there. She actually acted like she really cared like she really wanted to know what I saw and felt. Later in process group after a little coaxing I opened up and told them all what I felt and what I saw when I closed my eyes in music therapy and then went into greater detail about my feelings. I don't know if it is bad or good that every single person in the group was either tearing up or crying because of what I was saying including the Psych Therapist ("how unprofessional of me" she said :)). But then they all went around the table and each one told me something good about myself, I can't remember what each one said, some of them I met that day, but I could feel from each one of them how genuine they were and honest they were being. For the first time in a long time I actually felt hope again, if there is nothing else that I can take from the psych ward the hope I got that day is worth the stay.
I learned so much from my stay there, I gained so much love and compassion from people I will never see again, but with who I have so much in common with. This is only the beginning I have a very long dark road ahead of me and these last two days have been harder than I ever imagined. I still feel at the bottom of the hole, but this time I have a pin prick of light, I have doctor appointments set up, I'm on medicine to help with my mental illness, there are support groups close by. And one day, who knows when, this smile will no longer be fake but finally real.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
How to say NO to sex
(Article that I found entertaining...)
Saying no when you are already in an intimate relationship
There's something about sex that makes it a very sensitive issue. Let's face it, for some reason or other, there are times, very occasional, when we are not in the mood for some death defying act of intimacy. It doesn't matter how handsome or beautiful our partner, or how turned on they might be - there are just those moments when we do not feel the same way. Albeit from a long hard day at work, or because we have other things on our mind, the fact remains, sometimes we are just not up for it. How to say no at those times is actually more difficult than it seems, because sex is just so personal and people tend to take rejection so personally. I can remember once, when my husband was very keen and saying no was probably not an option at that time, I started to sing "Not in the mood, da da da dada, not in the mood, da da da dada!" Luckily, he saw the funny side and started to laugh, his pointed keeness disappeared, and all ended well. That time.
However, it might not always end well. There's something about getting an erection that seems to get a man's testosterone pumping, and they are not always ameniable to "no" at such a time. Some get angry, some get the sulks, so most women give in and give them what they want, even if they are so not in the mood that they are drier than the Sahara Desert in the middle of a heat wave in summer down in their nether regions. The man doesn't worry, he just wants to get his rocks off. Don't let him tell you it's all about love. Because it's not. Sex is an animal thing, it's nothing to do with love. Love is bringing you breakfast in bed and supporting you when you're stressed. Sex is all about getting your end away. It's just a game of 'hide the salami' and you can say "no." But you need to try and say "no" in a way that'll make him smile. (By the way, I'm not really intending to be sexually discriminatory here. It's just that a man doesn't have to verbally say "no." All he has to do is keep his little driedfloral arrangement hanging as one flaccid soft on, and the woman will soon get the message that he's not in the mood. Yeah, who said life was fair.)
So, instead of the overused, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache," try one of the following:
1.Fart loudly as they cuddle up to you.
2.Jump out of bed, race to the bathroom and pretend to get sick.
3.Start gagging when they try and kiss you.
4.Pretend to go down to give a blow job, and then start coughing and spluttering all over their privates.
5.Ask if they have some sandpaper as you have a vaginal itch that simple scratching cannot alleviate.
6.Pretend that they have such badbody odour that you're almost passing out from the smell.
7.Start snoring loudly the minute your head hits the pillow.
8.Pick up a magazine and start flipping through the pages and feign disinterest in any attempt they might try to get intimate.
9.Accidentally pour a glass of cold water on their rod of iron.
10.Pour some water on thebed and say, "Oops, I just wet the bed."
11.Fake an orgasm before they even get started.
12.Ask, "Is it in yet?"
13.Start nagging about something they haven't done that they were supposed to have done.
14.Stare up at the ceiling and whistle tunelessly.
15.If all else fails, lie back and think of England.
Saying NO when you're on a date
Of course, this all depends on whether you'd like to see the person again or not, as to how you should deter amorous advances of the intimate kind. If you really do like the person, but it's more that you're not ready for sex or want to hold out until you get married, or prefer to know the person longer than five minutes before you get down and dirty, then sometimes honesty is the best policy. Explain your reasons for not wanting to play 'hide the salami' on the first date. You usually have a 50% chance of seeing the guy again. Unfortunately, there are so many others who put out, and if all the guy is looking for is a good time, they'll keep looking until they get it. Maybe you don't want to hurt their feelings and say "no", or maybe you said "no" and they thought you were just being funny and really meant "yes." What can you do to avoid committing the dastardly deed? So instead of the overused, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me," you can try the following:
1.When they drop their boxers, point and laugh hysterically.
2.When they reveal their little member, ask, "Is that all there is?"
3.Say, "Omigod, I have throw-up in my mouth!"
4."I'm just waiting for the results of my AIDS check. Can't believe my ex just found out he has AIDS."
5."Do you also have Herpes?"
6. "I always wanted to have a baby!"
7."I'm mentally a fifteen year old so if you have sex with me it'll be a felony."
8."I'm not drunk enough to find you a turn on."
9."Sorry, not that desperate."
10."I've always preferred older experienced men, like your father."
11."Is that your cologne I'm allergic to, or is it just you that's making me sneeze?"
12."You'll never earn enough money to pay for what I've got here."
13."Is Herpes catchy?"
14."Will sex cure a chronic vaginal itch?"
15."Sorry, no time for fun tonight, I have to bleach my pubic hair."
16."Can my mother watch to see if I'm doing it right?"
17."My Dad is so protective. He smashed up my ex-boyfriend's car."
18.Give him a giant condom and laugh hysterically when it's too big for his little member.
19.And if all else fails, "I am having such a heavy period this month, sex with me will be like a bloodbath in the worst horror movie ever."
Saying no when you are already in an intimate relationship
There's something about sex that makes it a very sensitive issue. Let's face it, for some reason or other, there are times, very occasional, when we are not in the mood for some death defying act of intimacy. It doesn't matter how handsome or beautiful our partner, or how turned on they might be - there are just those moments when we do not feel the same way. Albeit from a long hard day at work, or because we have other things on our mind, the fact remains, sometimes we are just not up for it. How to say no at those times is actually more difficult than it seems, because sex is just so personal and people tend to take rejection so personally. I can remember once, when my husband was very keen and saying no was probably not an option at that time, I started to sing "Not in the mood, da da da dada, not in the mood, da da da dada!" Luckily, he saw the funny side and started to laugh, his pointed keeness disappeared, and all ended well. That time.
However, it might not always end well. There's something about getting an erection that seems to get a man's testosterone pumping, and they are not always ameniable to "no" at such a time. Some get angry, some get the sulks, so most women give in and give them what they want, even if they are so not in the mood that they are drier than the Sahara Desert in the middle of a heat wave in summer down in their nether regions. The man doesn't worry, he just wants to get his rocks off. Don't let him tell you it's all about love. Because it's not. Sex is an animal thing, it's nothing to do with love. Love is bringing you breakfast in bed and supporting you when you're stressed. Sex is all about getting your end away. It's just a game of 'hide the salami' and you can say "no." But you need to try and say "no" in a way that'll make him smile. (By the way, I'm not really intending to be sexually discriminatory here. It's just that a man doesn't have to verbally say "no." All he has to do is keep his little dried
So, instead of the overused, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache," try one of the following:
1.Fart loudly as they cuddle up to you.
2.Jump out of bed, race to the bathroom and pretend to get sick.
3.Start gagging when they try and kiss you.
4.Pretend to go down to give a blow job, and then start coughing and spluttering all over their privates.
5.Ask if they have some sandpaper as you have a vaginal itch that simple scratching cannot alleviate.
6.Pretend that they have such bad
7.Start snoring loudly the minute your head hits the pillow.
8.Pick up a magazine and start flipping through the pages and feign disinterest in any attempt they might try to get intimate.
9.Accidentally pour a glass of cold water on their rod of iron.
10.Pour some water on the
11.Fake an orgasm before they even get started.
12.Ask, "Is it in yet?"
13.Start nagging about something they haven't done that they were supposed to have done.
14.Stare up at the ceiling and whistle tunelessly.
15.If all else fails, lie back and think of England.
Saying NO when you're on a date
Of course, this all depends on whether you'd like to see the person again or not, as to how you should deter amorous advances of the intimate kind. If you really do like the person, but it's more that you're not ready for sex or want to hold out until you get married, or prefer to know the person longer than five minutes before you get down and dirty, then sometimes honesty is the best policy. Explain your reasons for not wanting to play 'hide the salami' on the first date. You usually have a 50% chance of seeing the guy again. Unfortunately, there are so many others who put out, and if all the guy is looking for is a good time, they'll keep looking until they get it. Maybe you don't want to hurt their feelings and say "no", or maybe you said "no" and they thought you were just being funny and really meant "yes." What can you do to avoid committing the dastardly deed? So instead of the overused, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me," you can try the following:
1.When they drop their boxers, point and laugh hysterically.
2.When they reveal their little member, ask, "Is that all there is?"
3.Say, "Omigod, I have throw-up in my mouth!"
4."I'm just waiting for the results of my AIDS check. Can't believe my ex just found out he has AIDS."
5."Do you also have Herpes?"
6. "I always wanted to have a baby!"
7."I'm mentally a fifteen year old so if you have sex with me it'll be a felony."
8."I'm not drunk enough to find you a turn on."
9."Sorry, not that desperate."
10."I've always preferred older experienced men, like your father."
11."Is that your cologne I'm allergic to, or is it just you that's making me sneeze?"
12."You'll never earn enough money to pay for what I've got here."
13."Is Herpes catchy?"
14."Will sex cure a chronic vaginal itch?"
15."Sorry, no time for fun tonight, I have to bleach my pubic hair."
16."Can my mother watch to see if I'm doing it right?"
17."My Dad is so protective. He smashed up my ex-boyfriend's car."
18.Give him a giant condom and laugh hysterically when it's too big for his little member.
19.And if all else fails, "I am having such a heavy period this month, sex with me will be like a bloodbath in the worst horror movie ever."
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Explore, Dream, Discover
And then I take a step back and look at my life, I have accomplished a lot in my (almost) 27 years. I have made the best decisions that I could for myself and yes some of them were big mistakes that made me struggle and learn to never make those choices again. And then I have had things happen to me that have been completely out of my control making me yet again struggle and learn. And then I have had some great times, I have loved and lost, made many friends and had life changing experiences that I would never take back both bad and good. Sure I have some regrets, I'm sure everyone does.
I want to be able to look back in 20 years and say that I honestly don't have any major disappointments or regrets. I want to say that I 'Explored, Dreamed, Discovered' that I accomplished what I wanted to and that I saw what I wanted to see. That even though I've fallen each time I was able to bring myself upright and enjoy life at the same time.
So now what am I doing here when I have so much more that needs to be done? It is time to sail away from the safe harbor.
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